It’s the month of love! As extravagant displays of affection are being planned, have you spared a moment to think about the love you have for yourself? Do you shouw self-love to yourself? showYou say you love yourself, but do your choices reflect that? You post about self-care on social media, you know all the right language, you might even have a meditation app on your phone. But when was the last time you actually chose yourself when it mattered?
When it came down to staying late at work or making it to the yoga class you said you needed, ,which did you choose? Your friend asked for a favor you didn’t want to do, but felt obligated to say yes. Did you say yes? When you had thirty minutes of unexpected free time, did you do something that filled your cup, or did you immediately find a productive task to fill the gap?
Self-love isn’t just an affirmation you say in the mirror. You practise self love through a series choices that either honor you. And if you’re over 40, there’s a good chance you’ve been abandoning yourself for so long that you don’t even notice when you’re doing it.
Let’s find out where.
The Self-Love Audit
Get a piece of paper (Yes! I’m old-school like that! I like things written down!) If you prefer, open a note on your phone. You’re going to examine four key areas of your life and answer one crucial question for each: Where am I consistently putting myself last?
Be honest. This is about seeing clearly so you can make different choices and give yourself the best that you deserve.
Area One: Relationships
Over the years, I have battled feelings of abandonment. This has caused me to hold onto relationships, and put myself last in the hopes that I will not lose friends. Over time, this has become exhausting. This has also become one area that I have become acutely aware that I am failing to show myself love. So, the first place you need to address for self-love is your relationships.
Ask yourself:
- Do I regularly cancel plans with myself (exercise, hobbies, rest) to accommodate others’ requests, even when they’re not emergencies?
- Am I having conversations I don’t want to have because I don’t want to disappoint anyone?
- Do I avoid expressing my real preferences about anything because it feels easier to just go along?
- Am I staying in relationships (friendships included) that drain me more than they nourish me, out of guilt, obligation or fear of loneliness?
- When someone treats me poorly, do I make excuses for them instead of addressing it or creating boundaries?
Where you’re abandoning yourself: Every time you say yes when you mean no. Every time you absorb someone else’s bad mood as if it’s your responsibility to fix. Every time you dilute your own needs to keep the peace.
How to stop: Start with one relationship where the imbalance is clearest. Practice saying no when you mean no. This creates space for you to consider what you actually want. Set a boundary on one recurring issue. Take a step back and stop being the one who always travels to them, always hosts, always initiates. See what happens when you pull back even slightly. Relationships should have some reciprocity.
Area Two: Work
Your job is a part of your life. It is not all that you are! You are more so much more than your job title. Your career has likely been a major focus for decades. But somewhere along the way, did devotion to your work become neglect of yourself?
Ask yourself:
- Do I regularly skip lunch, work through breaks, or stay late—not because of a genuine deadline, but because it feels wrong to stop?
- Am I checking email and messages during off-hours, on weekends, during vacation, training everyone around me that I have no boundaries?
- Do I take on additional projects and responsibilities without asking for additional resources or compensation?
- Am I doing work that should be someone else’s responsibility because it’s faster than addressing the underlying issue?
- Do I use “busy” as a badge of honor or an excuse to avoid facing other parts of my life?
Where you’re abandoning yourself: Every time you treat your time as infinitely available. Every time you prioritize appearing dedicated over actually having a life outside work.
How to stop: Set one non-negotiable boundary this week. Leave at your stated end time one day. Take your full lunch break away from your desk. Don’t check email after 7 PM on weeknights. Make your limitations visible. Use your PTO. All of it. Rest is not something you earn through exhaustion.
Area Three: Health and Energy
Do you love your body? This beautiful temple. It has carried you through so much of life. Are you appreciating and loving your body? Your body has been sending you signals for years. Have you been listening, or overriding?
Ask yourself:
- Am I consistently sacrificing sleep to get more done, scroll on my phone, or zone out in front of the TV?
- Do I eat on the run, skip meals, or consume things I know make me feel terrible because I’m too busy/tired/stressed to plan differently?
- Am I ignoring pain, fatigue, or symptoms that I would insist a loved one get checked out?
- Do I view exercise as punishment for what I ate or how I look, rather than care for my body?
- Am I pouring energy into everyone and everything else, then collapsing with nothing left for myself?
Where you’re abandoning yourself: Every time you treat your body as an inconvenience instead of the vessel that carries you through life. Every time you push through when you need to rest.
How to stop: Pick one health habit to prioritize this month. Just one! Not an ambitious overhaul. Going to bed by a certain time. Eating breakfast sitting down. Moving your body in a way that feels good, not punishing. Notice when you’re running on empty and stop adding more.
Area Four: Pleasure and Purpose
You deserve your happiness. You are worthy of the joy that you seek! How long has it been since you allowed yourself to participate in the things that make you smile? Have you let go of the little and big joys because life demands it of you? When did you stop doing things just because they brought you joy?
Ask yourself:
- Do I have hobbies, or have they all fallen away in the name of being responsible?
- When’s the last time I did something creative, playful, or just for fun?
- Am I saving the good china, the nice clothes, the special experiences for someday instead of letting myself have them now?
- Do I feel guilty when I’m not being productive, even during designated rest time?
- Have I lost touch with what I actually enjoy because I’ve been living on autopilot for so long?
Where you’re abandoning yourself: Every time you postpone joy, waiting for permission or the perfect moment. Every time you deny yourself pleasure because you haven’t “earned” it yet.
How to stop:
Yes! Self-love includes your small momnts of joy. Reclaim one hour this week for something that serves no purpose except bringing you joy. Read fiction. Paint. Garden. Cook something elaborate just because you want to. Dance in your kitchen. Watch the sunset. One hour of reading has brought back so much joy in my life, it incredible! Make a list of twenty things you used to love doing or have always wanted to try.
The Pattern You’re Looking For On The Journey To Self-Love
As you work through this audit, you’ll likely notice a theme: You’re treating yourself as the lowest priority, the one who can wait, the one whose needs are negotiable. Everyone else gets your best. You get what’s left. That’s not sustainable. That’s not self-love and self-abandonment. Once you see the pattern, you can break it. You can take small steps towards giving yourself the love that you need. Want to learn how to subtract the unnecessary from your life? Read my article here on the art of letting go.
The Reclamation Project
You don’t have to fix everything at once. You may be learning self-love for the first time. Give yourself grace. In fact, trying to overhaul your entire life overnight is just another way of being harsh with yourself. Instead, pick one area where the abandonment feels most acute. Choose one small, concrete action you can take this week to start putting yourself back on your own priority list.
Then do it. Start right now, and do it imperfectly. Then do it again next week.
Self-love is refined through small, repeated acts of choosing yourself. Of honoring your needs, not someday when you have more time or energy or permission, but now. Today. In this moment right now. You’ve been taking care of everyone and everything else for long enough. It’s your turn now.
The audit is complete. You know where you’ve been abandoning yourself. Now comes the harder, better work: learning to stay.